On drawing the wrong conclusions (or, healing emotional scars)

I've found that as I've gotten older, I've generally had fewer feelings. Overall, I just don't feel as emotional. Part of this is natural, but part of this I've found is due to what I might refer to as "drawing the wrong conclusions" or "emotional scar tissue".

I've realized that, when faced with discomfort or uncertainty, I have the tendency to want to draw some conclusion from my situation that will help me prevent this discomfort in the future or try to resolve the uncertainty.

If I was hurt somehow, I would do my best to shut down the hurt to prevent the pain. If I felt guilty, I would resolve to never again do the thing that caused me guilt. If I was anxious, I'd avoid the situation that made me anxious.

But I've realized recently that discomfort, or emotional hurt, or guilt, or pain, does not mean that I have necessarily done something "wrong", or that I could have done something better. Pain is just a part of life.

Lately I've been venturing out more - being more social, taking more risks. This inevitably leads to situations where I feel I could have done something better, and this hurts. But where before I might have decided "no, I did something wrong, I must fix this" or tried to shut down the feeling of hurt, I instead just let this tenderness be, and allow myself to be as I am.

It's painful - sometimes it feels like I'm like growing a new heart in my chest.

But it's worth it to undo the emotional scar tissue I've built up over the years, and to face a more rich emotional life.

And it's worth it to have new possibilities for life that I didn't even know existed before because I was too afraid to face them.